Life.....

Well, where do I even begin? Many of you know the events that have taken place over the last couple of weeks but for those of you that don't.....here is what has been going on.....

Greg's parents came to visit, they got here May 16th and left the morning of May 19th. That night as I was getting the kids to bed I just didn't feel "right". I could tell something was going on. The first thing I thought to check was a pregnancy test, "just in case". Once I got the kids to bed I went and took a test. Sure enough it was positive! All I could do was cry as I thought back to the conversation Greg and I had about 3 days prior. We had decided that we were done having kids. We were so happy with our two and had finally reached the point of knowing for sure. We also decided we would have a big garage sale this summer and sell all of our baby stuff. We were moving on to the next stage in our life! So seeing that positive pregnancy test I wasn't sure how Greg would feel about it. He was downstairs doing homework, so as I came downstairs crying he wasn't sure what was going on at first. I finally just had him come up to the bathroom to see the test I had taken. The first words out of his mouth were "Well, I guess we won't be having that garage sale this summer!" We both laughed. Then Greg went on to say, "It's a baby! That is a GOOD thing!" So we held each other and dreamed about our now soon to be family of 5. We grew more and more excited about it the more we talked.

As the days went on I started falling in love with this tiny, tiny baby growing inside of me. I loved the idea of being pregnant again and looked forward to all the fun things to come...hearing the heart beat, feeling the baby move, seeing the baby move, Greg being able to feel the baby move, getting to tell the kids that they would be having a new baby brother or sister...just so many wonderful things to look forward to!

We decided to wait to tell my Dad and Nancy until they got here Sunday May 24th. I wanted to finally be able to tell family that we were pregnant in person. We have never gotten to tell family in person. I made up a sign that said "Big Sister AND Big brother". It took them a little bit to figure out what it meant, but once they got it they were thrilled. I had also found out that my due date would be around Jan 25th. Kyle's (my brother who just passed away) birthday is Jan 27th. We were just so sure God was blessing our family with new life and also giving us something to look forward at a time that would otherwise be a very difficult day. We all cried and hugged each other. Nancy also got to come to our ultrasound that Tuesday. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

My Dad and Nancy headed out Thursday morning. That afternoon I started bleeding, all I could think was "Oh no, this can't be good!". I called Greg at work bawling, once again wondering what was going on. After talking to him I called the doctors office, after a few hours they finally decided to have me come in for a blood test to check my HCG level (the number that says how pregnant you are, the higher the number the more pregnant you are). I never got to see my doctor, which really upset us. Here we were going through something major, potentially losing a baby and my doctor did not want to see me! I continued bleeding all weekend long along with some very painful cramps. I went through a roller coaster of emotions, at times I would be hopeful that the baby was still there and other times I was sure the baby was gone. Friday when I called the office back they just said that they wanted me to come back in either Monday or Tuesday for yet another blood test. I of course said I would go in Monday morning. How could I ever wait until Tuesday to know for sure?

Over Friday and Saturday I became very angry. I was so angry with God that he would allow me to become pregnant after Greg and I had reached a point of being completely content with our two children. Why would he allow me to become pregnant if he was just going to take the baby away from us? How could my heart handle another loss after just losing Kyle? Did I do something wrong? I was so angry with God and I hated feeling that way, but that is how I felt. We asked lots of people to be praying for a miracle, that is what we really needed.

By Sunday my whole attitude changed. I felt a peace come over me. I knew that no matter what happened God was in control and he does have an amazing plan for our family. I fully gave the baby back to God (after all it is his baby to begin with) and let him know I was ok with whatever he decided.

Monday morning I drove to my appointment not sure how the day would go, but a part of me still holding on to hope that I was in fact still pregnant. I even still felt pregnant and had been nauseous all that morning.

At about 11:45 am the phone rang, it was the nurse calling with my results. I felt the room begin to spin as I held my breath.....was I still pregnant? Was the baby ok? The nurse finally said, "I'm sorry but you did have a miscarriage." That was it, the baby was gone and there was nothing I could do to save my baby. I finally had the answer I had been fearing all weekend. I got off the phone and just cried and cried. I had to try to pull myself together for my kids, after all I was still blessed with two beautiful and healthy children. I thank God everyday for our children as I do know what miracles they really are. We were told almost 5 years ago that we would never be able to get pregnant and if we did it would most likely end in a miscarriage. So the fact that this was my first miscarriage is a miracle in itself! I decided right then and there I would thank God for giving me the two babies he already has. I know he knows the plans he has for our family, whether or not it includes another baby, we don't know. But we are going to be ok either way. We will keep praising God for blessing our family and we will praise Him in this storm we are walking through.

That afternoon while the kids were napping I was online sending out update emails, all of a sudden I got an email from babycenter letting me know that I was 6 weeks pregnant! At that point I lost it and just let myself cry and cry. After all the kids were napping and would not see me crying. Well, at some point my sweet little girl woke up and came downstairs to find her mommy crying. She came right over to me, crawled up in my lap, started wiping my tears, and telling me that she loved me over and over. Wow, talk about being blessed! I am going to remind myself everyday that I am so very blessed. I am not saying that I won't have hard days and days that I just feel like crying. But I am going to pick myself back up and move on. God knows what he is doing and I have to trust that. I am figuring out how to grieve another major loss in my life and I know it will take time, but with God I can make it through anything. Thank you for praying for our family!!

Now on to Poppy and Nani's visit......on my birthday the 25th we went down to Old McDonald's Farm. A cute little petting zoo in town. The kids love going there and we love seeing them excited over the animals.

The kids driving a tractor.

The kids and I with my Dad and Nancy

Shoulder rides!!

Opening presents on my birthday

Couldn't wait to take pictures before we cut into that cake! A cookies in cream cake from Coldstone! Yummm!! Thanks Dad and Nan!

Snuggle time with Poppy! Thank you for coming to visit Poppy and Nani! We had a wonderful time with you! Thank you for EVERYTHING, you guys always do WAY too much! Thank you for all your help with the kids and all the extra attention. We love you both so very much!

The kids made a big bed of blankets the other morning on the floor. They were having so much fun I just had to take a picture!!

Our handsome little boy dressed up for church on the 24th

The kids holding the sign I made to show the grandparents. We were going to email this out to Greg's parents once we finally had an "official" due date....never got that chance.

This baby will always be part of our family and will always hold a special place in my heart. I know I wasn't pregnant very long...but in that short time this baby really touched me and gave such a time of great happiness after losing Kyle.......