Well, I guess I will go back to July 10th. July 10th I had gotten an email update from a friend that had found out she was pregnant one week before I found out I was pregnant back in May. So we would have been about the same in our pregnancies. Anyway, the email said that they had gotten to hear their babies heart beat that day and they would be having their big ultrasound soon. Of course I am thrilled for her to be having another baby, but it is also hard for me knowing that I would be hearing my babies heart beat now too had I not miscarried the baby. So I was emotional that afternoon. Thankfully, my Mom was here and she was able to comfort me and give me that much needed hug. As the afternoon went on I just had this funny feeling, one that I have felt before. I just felt I needed to take a pregnancy test. I went off to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test and sure enough as I sat there watching the stick a little line started appearing letting me know that I was pregnant again!! I was filled with so much emotion and happiness! I went out to the living room and asked my mom to come with me in the bathroom (poor Greg was at work during all of this). I brought her in and showed her the test. She held me while I cried (happy tears of course) and then she prayed for this baby and my pregnancy. Awhile later I called my new doctor's office to find out what I needed to do. They let me know that I would need to go in for a blood test and once that came back positive we would go from there. I knew by the time they closed I would not have time to get down there if I waited until after 5 for Greg to get home. So I called him at work and asked him if he could get off early so he and I could go for a drive. He was able to come home and pick me up. But once I got in the car he knew something was up. I had the positive test in my purse, so I pulled it out to show him our exciting news. He was very happy! Anyway, long story short the blood test came back positive.
That next week I was so happy and in my own little world most of the time dreaming about this baby and our soon to be family of 5. Of course there was part of me that was trying to hold back excitement in case I once again had a miscarriage. But I told myself I was going to think positive and trust that God would keep this baby safe. Greg and I had already discussed names and agreed that we would wait to find out the sex of this baby until he or she was born. We have never done this before so we thought the excitement of finding out when they were born would be wonderful!!
Then Saturday afternoon after we got home from camping I started bleeding. I knew right away this was not good. As the day went on it continued and then I was pretty certain that I was indeed losing this baby that I had prayed so hard for and that I was so certain was meant to be. I prayed, cried, and just tried to lay around to prevent myself from losing the baby. Nothing seemed to help. By the time Sunday got here, my mind knew the baby was gone, but of course my heart was holding onto hope...hoping maybe just maybe the baby was still there.
Monday morning (the 4 month mark of my brother dying) Greg and I went in for an ultrasound. Sure enough the ultrasound tech confirmed my fears, the baby was gone. Just like that after only knowing I was pregnant a little over a week, the baby was gone. That day was already going to be rough for me and now it was even harder. Not only was I thinking about the fact that Kyle died 4 months ago but also that my baby had died.
We were able to meet with my doctor afterwards, he squeezed us in which we were so thankful for! He was truly amazing and took a great deal of time explaining things to us. He also let us know that these miscarriages happened because they needed to happen, not because of anything we did or did not do. He let us know that miscarriages are VERY common and it really is the luck of the draw as to when it happens this early. He is very confident that I will be able to get pregnant again AND carry the baby full term.
For now we are going to take a break from things. My heart really can not handle and more pain. I have cried more in the last 4 months then I have in my entire life. These last 4 months have been the hardest of my life without question, so we need to be done for a while.
Many people have been questioning why we are "trying" to get pregnant, why we want more kids, shouldn't we just be done after losing two babies? etc. I am going to answer some of those questions now....not that we really feel it is anyone else's business but our own, I am just tired of the questions. So maybe if I can address them now it will help everyone understand where we are coming from......
First off, in May before we found out we were pregnant the third time we had gotten to a point where we decided we would be done having kids. But once we found out we were pregnant again we grew to LOVE the idea of adding one more child to our family. Those of you that know me really well, know that I am a huge planner. I love to have things planned out early on. So in that week and a half of knowing I was pregnant we had already discussed how we would rearrange the kids in the van, bedrooms, clothes, closets, etc. Then I had the miscarriage. Our hearts were broken but my doctor told me we could start trying again right away if we wanted. Well, we were not ready to start "trying" right away, so we just thought we would see what happened. We would really start thinking about it more this fall. Well, that's all it took and we were pregnant again. So of course we were thrilled again with the idea of adding one more baby to the family. Once again the planning began. This time I had picked out a girl name and a boy name (I was still trying to talk Greg into them :). So losing that second baby was extremely hard on both of us. So no, we were NOT trying to get pregnant again, it just happened!
As far as the future of our family and if we are "done" having kids time will tell and that is something that Greg and I will decide. We will decide what is right for our family. I am sure many people are thinking we are being selfish for wanting more children. That we have already been blessed with our other two children. We know all of this, we know we are very blessed with our two children, I will be the first one to tell you that! BUT we do still love the idea of having a third child. Why can other families have 3, 4, 5, 6.....children and that be ok and go without question but when we want to have 3 children people can't seem to understand why. We are good parents, we love our children more then anything, we work hard for everything we have, we feel that we have more love to share with another child. Is that so crazy? I am sorry if this seems harsh, I just want people to understand WHY we would like another child at this point. For those of you that have been so supportive to us and being there for us no matter what we decide, thank you!! God has blessed us with amazing family and friends and we are so very thankful. We know God is in control of all of this and has a wonderful plan for our family, but for right now it is hard to look past all the hurting. So please be praying for us!
In the past 4 months I have lost my baby brother AND two babies, we are both hurting and grieving each one of those loses. We need extra love and support right now. Please be gentle with us and what you say. Know that your words do hurt. We are simply a family that would love any number of children God will bless us with! Thank you for reading my long book. I hope this helps to clear up some things. Again, I am sorry if I have said anything that has hurt anyone...I just wanted everyone to know how and why we are hurting. Again, like I have said in the past....if you are wondering HOW we are doing....call! Don't be afraid of "not knowing what to say" a simple "I'm sorry, I'm here for you" are wonderful!
Now on to the pictures...here are pictures from Jennifer's birthday July 15th. My sister is staying with us until we go back to Wyoming in August. We are so thankful she is here with us! She has been a HUGE help with the kids!
Camping this past weekend.....
Saturday morning we walked around a lake by the campground.....
Then played at a park
Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers for our family during this very difficult time in our lives!
7 comments:
I am so very sorry for your loss. know that you and your family are in my prayers.
Still praying for all of you!! Don't feel as though you need to explain wanting more children..you are in no way being selfish to consider wanting more. God has his plans for us and though there is sometimes heartache along the way he will continue to bless those that put their faith in him!! You and Greg have so much love for eachother, and bringing babies into that love and showing them just as much love as you do to eachother is a truly special thing! Be strong and remember that this little family in Mitchell, Sd loves you!!!
Wonderful. :) Praying for you all as this is a subject that hits home for me and ones I love. May the Father bless you with His Sweet Presence and Gentle Embrace.
Sarah Brown
Pooh Bear, I am so sorry. I know how you have been hurting. I am so sorry that I can't help your pain lesson. I do not think people mean to say hurtful things, they really think they are being helpful. NOBODY has the right to tell you how many children you and Greg should have. Its up to the two of you, and only you two, to make that decision. As long as your able to give them the love and support and deal with the pain of parenthood its your call. We all see the pain and suffering that you go through and just dont want to see you in anymore pain. We love you very much and just want to see you and your family happy. I thank you everyday for the grandchildren you have blessed us with. Now knowing that we will have no other grandchildren except yours has made them even more precious. (if that was possible). You hang in there and keep your faith strong. God will see you through this and he will let you both know in his way when your family is the size that is right for you. Remember, were just a call away! Love and Hugs, Nani
Ohhh Misty, I am so sorry! I hate that people have even made you feel like you need to explain yourself. Sometimes I don't get people and why they say things. I am sure they had no intention of hurting you, but just didn't think in general. I hate that you are going through all of this, I wish I could take your pain away and make it all better. It makes me sad to know you are hurting and there is not anything I can do to help. Know you are in my continued thoughts and prayers. As I've said before take time for yourself and let yourself heal...you have a long road ahead of you, but know I am by you every step of the way!!! Love ya :)
I am not a mommy and don't plan on being a mommy, I have never met your children but I know without a doubt that if I ever had a child I would want to be a mother EXACTLY like you. You give everything to your children and your spouse. From over a thousand miles away I can see the love you give to each member of your family. You keep a record of your children's lives by taking pictures of everyday things, sunday outfits, trips to the park. You take both children to church and I know that you are a great example to your children of the way the Lord wants all of his children to be. If you should have one more child, 5 more children, or no more children then I know that no child could have better parents than you and Greg. I think of you often and will keep all of you in my prayers.
Wow, thank you everyone for your amazing support!! The love and support we have recieved has been huge! I don't know how I would have gotten through the last 4 months without all of you, so thank you so much! We love you all!!
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